December 13th, 2020

I am so numb, I’ve started to hurt again. I finally ate something. Aren’t people supposed to come over? I thought people were supposed to come over when someone dies. I guess people did come over… I don’t remember.

It’s quiet now. I’m glad the sun came out. I’d like to think it guided your way home.

Someone told me that everyone’s road to heaven looks different. Mine’s probably a river in the middle of the night. Probably the lake you told me not to go to the night Joe died. But I did it anyway.

I never told you I swam across it in the dark. It’s the closest to whatever God there is I’ve ever felt. Captured between dark water and clear, fucking endless black skies speckled with stars. I hunt for that feeling every single day.

I felt it yesterday morning when you left. Did he come for you? It can’t be coincidence that you both left on the same day. But if we cared enough we would be on a 13-months of 28 day calendar but because men… I digress.

I love you, I miss you, I’m… okay, I think.